he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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