We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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