I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
