and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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