He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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