Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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