There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
