Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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