my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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