i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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