Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
