I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
