i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
