Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
