had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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