Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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