Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
