i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
