Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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