At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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