paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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