He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
