I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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