The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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