I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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