So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
