The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
