I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
