guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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