why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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