the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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