i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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