You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
