True but thats because hes a fetus.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
