fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
