My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
