dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Everclear isn't food dammit
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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