it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize