It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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