I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
