this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
