Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
