my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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