FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
