yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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