the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
