Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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