I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't tell me you're on acid again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize