Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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