I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The beer is more important than you right now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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