i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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