I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
