So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
