I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
