I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize