my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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