Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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