We won't sleep together?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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