Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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